For years I have expressed the desire to write a book. And then periodically the whole blog idea crossed my mind. I look back on my life, and oh do I have many tales to tell!
But me? I can’t write, I am not great with words (although I have no problem talking)! Do I have anything valuable to share and who would want to read it? There are so many amazing bloggers out there, they are rocking it… but really, can I? These are just a few things I told myself.
When I started to think seriously about starting this blog, an experience from my elementary school days quickly surfaced. School never came easy for me, but I do remember having the desire to learn. That is, up until this one day, this one sentence that shut me down . I still can recall like it was yesterday! Sitting in my grade 6 class, during a grammar lesson, I raised my hand to ask a question. I was not grasping what the teacher was explaining. He answered my question in the exact same way he originally explained it. Still not understanding, I asked again. This time the teacher asked if anyone else was having difficulty understanding. No! was the response he got. Instead of offering additional help after the lesson he offered some words. Words that would have an impact on me well into my adult years.
“Stop asking dumb questions, you’re holding up the class”
So I didn’t, I didn’t ask another question. I continued to struggle throughout my education, continued to keep quiet and not ask questions. And so my script was written. I wasn’t smart enough! Something was wrong with me! My voice didn’t matter. Many times in my adult years, this dialogue would dominate my thoughts. I continued to avoid asking questions, afraid to express my views, afraid I would show my lack of knowledge and sound stupid. So often I found myself faking my understanding and agreeing with the views of others. When I did attempt to ask a question or share a thought, there were many times I remember being corrected, shut down or was challenged on my thoughts, which would only make me feel flustered or freeze.
With many life changes these past few years, I found support through counseling sessions. In order to understand and change my beliefs, I would have to acknowledge and heal my inner child. This one event I faced as a child again surfaced through these sessions. With the counselor’s guidance, I released the power that that teacher and his words still held over me. And I began to surround myself with people I felt safe with, found a wee bit of courage to take small risks. If I didn’t understand something, I no longer pretended to know and asked the “dumb”questions. I started to share my views and contributed to conversations.
You may be thinking, why do I share these thoughts and experiences? Because it is part of my story. And I don’t wish them away. These experiences did happen, did affect me. All the experiences throughout my life, some negative, many more positive, have contributed to who I am today. I choose to learn from all the experiences, the good, the bad, and the ugly! They don’t get to define who I am anymore, they will no longer reduce me, they are just lessons for further growth. As I travel, I continue to journal daily and peel back those layers, facing all my traumas and finding new ways to rewrite the old scripts.
It comes down to this (not to sound ignorant), I have to not care what others think. This is me once again stepping outside my comfort zone! Distancing myself from the safety of silence. Working through my stuff. The idea of writing a book still intimidates me! But here I am! Writing blog posts! I still have insecurities about my wording, thoughts of sounding dumb. Does anyone want to “hear” my thoughts? But who knows, maybe my words, imperfections and all, will inspire you! To rewrite a new ending to that old script. Finding courage to take the first step to living your authentic life, regardless of what others may think.
So I continue to share my thoughts, striving to live my authentic life, with courage, vulnerability, flaws and all!
“Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our most accurate measure of courage.”
-Brene Brown
*picture captured in Trabzon, Türkiye