There were several reasons behind my desire to travel. One of the biggest deciding factors was the need deep in my core to leave behind the familiar. To embark on a journey full of uncertainty, unknown and the freedom of time.
I have always battled with this inner conflict, dialog, the pressure to DO. Was this something I acquired through childhood? Self taught? Did I observe this in the significant adults in my life? The big question, was it a way to please others and make them proud of me or further yet, not judge and look down on me? I would describe myself as having a childlike heart and enjoy the simple pleasures in life. By engaging in these simple pleasures, what would I be avoiding? Would I be avoiding responsibilities, would the to do list just grow, would I be criticized for not being productive or successful. The desire to do ‘nothing’ would trigger the feeling of avoidance, guilt, anxiety, resentment. The pressure I put on myself to catch up because I chose self care was astronomical. The end of the day I felt exhausted, already thinking about what I need to do tomorrow, never fully living in the present moment. This wasn’t good for my wellbeing or those around me.
The first few months of travel, everything was new, full of adventure, excitement. Each day I was in vacation mode, wake up, eat, go explore. Then thoughts and pull of real life kicked in. That familiar feeling of I SHOULD returned. Again the guilty thoughts surfaced, the critical thoughts of other’s, I am not being productive, not contributing, being selfish. I felt the need to find a purpose for my days. First “work” entered my mind, should I return to Canada to work. Then I stopped myself allowed my self to feel and listen to my heart, at this moment in my journey would I find the most benefit? So I chose me! I have made the life changing decision to travel and what a great opportunity to focus on my mental health, self discovery and growth! Listening to my body has allowed me to walk, stretch, and rest. Listening to my heart has given me permission to slow down and engage in self-care. Listening to my mental state has freed me to reflect, journal, and learn. My days may not be the conventional schedule, but my days are full. I read, watch a show, listen to podcasts.
explore the neighborhood, smile at the stranger, appreciate different ways of life, smell the flowers, learn new things, and still my responsibilities get done! By giving myself time to engage in activities that feel right in the moment, at the end of the day I take the time to reflect, celebrate my growth and feel like my bucket is full. I am not stressed, feeling like I didn’t acheive my shoulds, I got it all done, but with the feeling of peace, fulfillment and a nurtured soul. It remains a constant battle in my head, but the voice of self-care is only getting louder. There will come a day when my freedom from traveling will end, however, I will approach daily life differently. For now, I am bettering my self so when the time comes I will adult in a healthy way, live life with balance. I will first choose me and at the end of the day the to do list will get done!!
So I ask you this question: What will you give yourself permission to do today, guilt free to nurture your soul?
“Choose to put yourself first and make you a priority.
It is not selfish, it’s necessary.”
-Keysha Jade
*picture captured in Alexandria, Egypt